Chargers vs. Patriots (and Yankees vs. Red Sox) Game Diary

So when my dawg Nick told me he was going to be in Germany for the Chargers vs. Patriots Sunday night tilt, I initially said, "so what, just go find an American sports bar, there should be one - especially in Germany, because they love American football." Then he reminded me it would be around 2-3 in the morning when the game started, and he had to be up for work at like 7 in the morning. After we lamented his unfortunate happenstance, at least in terms of being able to watch the game, he asked if I could write him a recap of the game and email it to him, figuring I would capture the action better than any regular game recap. Well, that sounded like a challenge.

I could have written a recap, but that didn't really interest me all that much. What did interest me was writing a live diary. I think it came out pretty well. I didn't write out the times, and I probably rambled a little too much/wrote too much, but other than that I think it came off well. While I checked it for spelling and grammar, what follows is what I wrote at the time. Keep in mind that my wife Summer and I keep two televisions in the living room on Sunday - the normal, 32" HDTV that is always there, and a smaller, 18-20" TV/VCR combo that we bring down from upstairs specifically for NFL Sundays. The Pats game was on in HD, with the Yankees vs. Sox on the smaller tv. After watching the Rockies get in the black with a 13-0 blanking of Florida, and a great afternoon of football, we were ready for some northeastern dominance.

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The Patriots received the kick and Ellis Hobbs ran it back to the New England 30. Brady came out in the shotgun and promptly marched the Pats down the field, the only misstep when he accidentally threw the ball into the ground. Following a 30-yard gain to wideout Wes Welker, Brady lofted a beautiful ball into the back of the end zone, where it was hauled in by a wide open Benjamin Watson.

On San Diego’s first play from scrimmage, Roosevelt Colvin intercepted a Phillip Rivers pass, which left the ball at the San Diego 25.

Unfortunately, the Pats were unable to capitalize. After being penalized five yards for delay of game on first down, Kevin Faulk and Wes Welker both dropped passes, setting up a 41-yard field goal try. Lining up from the left hash marks, Stephen Gostkowski pushed the ball wide right. Still 7-0.

On the next series, the Chargers Right Tackle was injured, and Al Michaels informed the audience that their backup right tackle was also injured, which meant they had to play their third string. On third and 12 the Chargers got a ten yard completion to Antonio Gates, but it wasn’t enough and they had to punt. Wes Welker fielded the punt from the 12 and ran it out to the 25, cutting and moving inside the hash marks on his route.

On the next Patriots drive, they did not face one third down play. Marching down the field, they got first downs on catches from Welker, Moss and a run by Maroney. Then on second down from the Pats 30-something, Randy Moss lined up in the right slot, and sprinted downfield. When he turned around the ball was within his reach, he pulled it in on the goal line, and walked in for a touchdown. 14-0 New England. Must have been because we were stealing signs. Or maybe it’s because San Diego’s secondary blows.

The Chargers got the ball back, and were able to pick up two rushing first downs behind LDT. After the second first down, Adalius Thomas was down after the whistle with an injury. The Chargers had the ball in NE territory for the first time. On the next play, they pitched to LDT – loss of yards. On second and 11, Rivers chucked one across the field to Vincent Jackson, good for 15 yards on the out, and the Chargers had their first aerial first down. Alas, the happiness was short lived. Colvin came around the right side, beating the extra tight end in to block, stripped it from Rivers, and Vince Wilfork recovered for the Pats at the NE 44.

The first play of this next drive was a tight play fake to Maroney, with a 10 yard pass to Donte Stallworth, his first touch, which brought the ball into San Diego territory. After a short walk into the other side of the field, they were ready to start the second quarter.

Sammy Morris got the first touch, running around left tackle for a gain of six on his first carry. He got the next carry, but was less successful, running into the middle of the line. Third and three. Brady under threw Stallworth, who dove but couldn’t pull it in. After the throw, Brady was mauled, and rightfully received a roughing the passer call when #54 on the Chargers unnecessarily slapped him on the helmet. But it must have been because we were stealing signals and knew he would rough Brady. The next play Brady was sacked hard and almost lost the football, but somehow recovered his own fumble. What looked like a large deficit to make up was quickly erased as Moss burned Quentin Jammer on a slant for a 14 yard gain, setting up third and short. Brady burned a time out before the play. When they came back, the patented Brady sneak picked up the final two yards. Some would say Brady came to the line and saw no one lined up over center, and so he audibled the play. I would say it was because the Pats were stealing signals.

And so it was first and ten on the Charger 13. First down, 2 yard run by Morris. Then a six yard pass to Gaffney. Unfortunately, Merriman came around the line and stuffed Morris on a third down run, and the Pats settled for a field goal. 17-0 Pats.

SD ran the kick back to the 30, where Alexander leveled the kick returner Sproles. On first down, there was a flag on the field, but it was pulled back because the ref said “the defender was overpowered.” Very cute. Good news, Adagios Thomas was back on the field. The bad news, the Chargers came out with two plays to LDT to set up third and one. Then more good news – LDT was stuffed on third and one by backup #92 who I have never heard of, and Thomas. The San Diego punter booted into the end zone. He’s clutch like that.

On first down, Brady gets walloped by Merriman on a play action pass. Maroney completely whipped on the block. Watson then dropped a very catchable pass on second and 20. Then Watson did catch a five yard pass over the middle on third down, which he ran it up to the NE 23 to create enough room for a good punt. The ever-clean Chargers were flagged for not one, but two blocks in the back on the punt return, and were penalized for the one that occurred further back in their territory.

Peyton Manning has a new Sears commercial. It’s pretty good.

On the first play, the Chargers moved the ball into NE territory again, but on the next play Ellis Hobbs came up for a vicious, perfectly timed hit that knocked the ball away from the receiver. On second down, Rivers lined up in the gun, and the momentary elation of him bobbling the snap was quickly replaced with dejection when he completed a quick eight yard pass to Gates. Third and one, momentum for the Chargers right? Wrong! Adalius Thomas picked off a Rivers pass and ran it all the way back for a touchdown, looking more like a tight end than a linebacker. Boo-yah, 24-0 Pats with 5:17 left in the second. At this point, Rivers has a 37.0 rating compared to Brady’s 138.3 rating, mainly because Brady has two TD’s and Rivers has two INT’s. I’m thinking of three letters: an L, an O, and then another L.

After the kickoff that was caught and downed by an O-lineman at the SD 27, LDT picked up a quick first down with a run around left end. He has nine carries, for 32 yards. He runs again on the next play with less success. In general, LDT has been successful on first and second, and not that much on third. Hence, the 24 point deficit.

On second down the carry went to Turner, who ran up the middle for a few to set up third down and four. Rivers was pressured heavily, and he threw a dump off to Turner. It looked like Turner would have some daylight but Sanders #36 came up and ankle tackled him. Another punt, which was again clutchly booted into the end zone. The classy receiver for the Chargers, #81, decided the best move would be to chuck the ball into the stands. He’s awesome like that.

With 2:40 left in the half, the Pats start on their own 20, and begin with a five yard run to Maroney. One of the early season questions is why Sammy Morris has been in for Maroney on important plays, like the third down where he was stuffed near the goal line. One can only assume Maroney will be in when it counts at the end of the season, and that they are just trying to balance things out right now. The Pats let it run down to the two-minute warning, seeming to be in no rush to march down the field one more time.

After the two minute warning, Maroney took a hand off that was supposed to angle right. LAMA, sensing daylight, cut it back to the left and ran out to the 37 for a big first down. Since LAMA was tackled inbounds, the Pats take a time out, and have one left. First down Brady ran a little over the middle pass to Faulk for nine. 1:13 left. Brady then let it down to :54 before snapping it, and unloaded a deep ball to Stallworth. He almost pulled it in despite being tackled before the ball got there. Pass interference for an arm bar, down to the 30. Madden calls it questionable, but it’s down to the 30 nonetheless. They run the same play, a deep ball down the left side to Stallworth, but Brady overthrows it a touch, and it’s second and 10 from the 30 with :43 left. A shotgun draw to Faulk nets four, and it’s third and six. Brady then makes his first mistake. Rushed in the pocket, he throws behind an open Moss, who tips the ball and it is picked off by San Diego. They get it with seven seconds left, and a run by LDT later, it’s halftime. A disappointing end to an awesome first half. On the other television, Schilling and Clemens are dueling, in what is a 1-1 tie in the bottom of the sixth.

The second half started with a Charger return to the 30. Two yard pass, two yard run and a ten yard pass netted the Chargers a first down. On the next play, Rivers went deep to Vincent Jackson, which was defensed by Asante Samuel, who looked like he couldn’t decide whether to pick it off or knock it away. Colvin then dropped LDT at the line on a run to the left, to set up a long third down. Just before the pass to Jackson, Andrea Kremer said the Chargers defenders came into the locker room at halftime yelling “we have them where we want them.” Rushing three on third down, Gates hauls in a long pass for a first down down the middle beating Randall Gay in coverage. Tomlinson rushes for eight down to the NE 23, and the Chargers are officially in field goal range for the first time tonight. Second down brings a counter to LDT, which Thomas snuffs out and drops LDT for a big four yard loss to force third down. San Diego lines up in a bunch formation with three receivers on the right. The Pats get good pressure but at the last second Rivers jumps, throws, and connects for a first down inside the red zone. NE collapses the pocket on first down, so Rivers scrambles for six down to the 12. LDT gets nothing on second down. Again, Rivers goes over the middle to Gates on third down, and Eugene Wilson drags him down inside the five, barely holding on.

LDT gets little on first and goal with a run to the left. Rivers lines up shotgun on second and goal, and Colvin shoots up the middle to force a quick throw, which is off target to Gates. Third down. Shotgun again, and pressure forces a quick throw to LDT, who nearly breaks away from Seau, but he forces him down at the one. SD lines up to go for it on fourth before calling a timeout. They have had the ball for the whole period, with just 6:47 left in the third when time out is called. Seau really just got LDT by the ankles to save the touchdown.

Sox and Yanks still are tied at 1-1 in the seventh, with a runner on third in the bottom of the seventh with two outs, Joba Chamberlain on the mound and Ellsbury at the plate.

Back to the Pats game, the Chargers run the same play they always run on fourth down, which is a play action pass to Lorenzo Neal for a touchdown in the right flat. 24-7, and a thoroughly deflated call. That was the most important play of the game so far, as the Chargers would have been in big trouble had they not converted. And then Ellsbury grounds out to end the inning, and it’s still 1-1.

Welker runs and end around on first down that nets six. I don’t think they did that in the Jets game, so that might be his first run of the year. On second down, Sammy Morris bulls up the middle, piling up 10 to 15 yards and getting the first, moving it out to the San Diego 45. Morris gets the call again, pushing across midfield on a run to the right. Brady was 17-23, 2 TD’s and an INT in the first half. Shaun Phillips, SD’s outside LB comes off injured, though he did walk off. Morris gets the call for the third straight time on second and three, and picks up a first down. There is a skirmish, as Madden calls it, after the play, but no flags are thrown. Summer looks at Jamal Williams and says “he’s so fat you can’t even see his whole number, his jersey gets eaten up by his rolls.” I couldn’t make this stuff up.

AT&T has a new “abbreviations” commercial, where grandma is chastised for making too many texts. When mom asks who she could possibly be texting, she replies “IDK, my BFF Rose.” Classic! That Rose, she’s always been a bad influence on grandma. On ESPN, Schilling has made it into the seventh, and fats Giambi watches a foul go over his head and out of play.

Back in action, Brady watches Moss gets way too open and then hits him on an inside slant for a 15 yard gain on first down. Moss now has seven catches for 81 yards and a touchdown. Morris again gets the carry and pushes it inside the Chargers 25. Al and John won’t shut up about Jamal Williams. Unfortunately for the Chargers, Williams is really fat and needed a breather on the sideline. Moss, as Madden says, “runs by everything” for a 25-yard touchdown catch. Summer exclaims, “could it be any easier?” while Madden wonders “what exactly the defensive back was doing”. So much for the Chargers momentum – 31-7 Pats.

Meanwhile, the Yanks almost homered, as the ball hits the top top top of the Green Monster. It was Giambi, who was still up. The Yanks now have second and third with one out in the eighth. Oops, I guess it was the eighth before too. Anyways, Schilling saws off Damon’s bat, and he grounds out to second. No run scores. Second and third, two out. Nice job Schill, if the Sox are going to lose, at least it won’t be because of Damon.

Michael Turner takes the kick out to the SD 30, but there was holding on the Chargers. They were clearly holding because the Pats had been stealing signals. San Diego starts with an out route to for an eight yard gain, but a false start pushes them back on second down. Al and John have officially run out of topics, as they’re now talking about eating crab vs. hot dogs and Belichick’s ever present sweatshirt. Rivers seems confused on second down, and throws a dump off nowhere near a receiver who wasn’t even looking for the ball. On third down, Rivers goes deep, a flag is thrown, and even though the ball was tipped and intercepted by Sanders, Hobbs was flagged for pass interference. Hochuli says he “pulled his hand down”. Madden calls it not that bad, and says he would let that stuff go. So two pass interference calls, and Madden disagreed with both. Nevertheless, San Diego has it in Pats territory, but LDT is stuffed on first down by Ty Warren.

The first double whammy of the night happens – Malcolm Floyd nets a 20+ yard catch on second down and Jeter hits a three run homer after a 57 minute at-bat. Some might wonder why Schilling was still in in the eighth inning of a cold weather game. I attribute it to the Pats stealing signals. 4-1 Yanks.

Meanwhile, Rivers throws an incomplete in the end zone on first, but then hits Turner on a swing pass. Turner breaks a couple of tackles and gets a first down to the Pats ten as the time expires on the third quarter. 31-7 Pats after three. If the Chargers want to win this game, they’re going to have to move faster. If they score another touchdown it will be 31-14, but there will be less than fifteen minutes left, and the only times the Pats haven’t scored was on the missed FG and the tipped ball for an INT. They haven’t actually “stopped” the Pats or forced a punt. NBC comes back from commercial with a stat that says under Brady the Pats are 59-1 when leading after three. Summer is impressed.

The fourth quarter starts with a scramble by Rivers, who throws to Gates at the last second at the goal line, but it is defensed by Hobbs. Nice play Ellis! The momentum is short lived, as Gates catches the next pass, an out pattern where the linebacker drops off coverage, leaving the safety to handle it, but Sanders couldn’t catch up in time. Gates extends the ball over the goal line as he runs out of bounds for the TD. 31-14. Gates ran a nice route, but I’m convinced that the only passes Philip Rivers can complete are an out route or a dump off across the middle. Seriously, they have completed approximately 89 out routes tonight. That touchdown to Gates was a good route, he ran it in such a way that there was no way to jump the route, and hence he was wide open for the TD.

Oh no. Ellis was stripped on the kick return. He lost momentum and stopped at the 28, then cut back up the right sideline when #81 on the Chargers stripped it from behind, and it bounced right into the arms of an oncoming Charger. On first down for SD, ever-able-Mike Vrabel drops Rivers for a big loss. Second and 20 from the NE 42. Hochuli walked into both huddles to tell them to knock off the chippiness. That’s why he’s awesome. On second down, Rosey Colvin runs right by Football Outsiders favorite Marcus McNeil, sacks Rivers and forces a fumble. SD recovers, but now it’s 3^rd and 30. Rivers rolls left and throws an abortive screen pass to LDT that was completely snuffed out by the Pats. LDT doesn’t even catch it, and the Bolts are forced to punt. Al and John congratulate the Pats for “bringing the hoses and putting out the fires.”

Pedroia strikes out looking. 4-1 Yanks, bottom of the 8^th, 1 out, nobody on.

We see a commercial for the new Wahlberg movie; Summer says he’s being typecast as a cop. I say he isn’t. I win the argument. Lowell homers, 4-2 Yanks. Is that Joba’s first HR allowed? I hope so!

On the first two plays, it’s the attack of the long-haired guys, as Brady, backed up inside his own 10, gets off a quick eight yard pass to Stallworth, followed by a first down run by Maroney. Out to the 21, Maroney runs again for six, and the clock killing is officially underway. Welker catches a ball over the middle on a “did he catch that” kind of play at his feet, and it’s 1^st and 10 once again. Hey, that rhymes! Maroney behind the left guard for 15 yards and is out to midfield.

During an injury, Andrea Kremer reports that the Jets are now considering asking the league to investigate a SECOND camera that the Pats were using to pick up audio on mic’ed up defensive players. This is illegal in and of itself, and there were apparently no legally mic’ed up players for the Pats vs. Jets game last week. True or not, it seems this story just will not go away.

The Pats are flagged for holding, negating a good Maroney run, but the Pats come back with a good intermediate pass to Welker to set up third and three. Brady converts to Watson for a five yard gain, but Watson won’t go down and busts loose for another ten. I think it’s safe to assume that he was able to break those tackles because the Pats are stealing signals.

Meanwhile, JD Drew struck out looking a couple of minutes ago to end the eighth. In a related story, grass continues to grow. SD jumps offside on first down.

Maroney takes another carry, and we’re down under 6:30 left. San Diego needs a stop. Unfortunately, they’re not getting it just yet, as Maroney runs around left tackle for another 10+ yard gain, taking it inside the Charger 15. Welker catches a quick pass on the left end, and makes a semi-successful juke inside the Charger 10 for a three yard gain to set up second and seven. There’s 5: 11 remaining, and a break in the action. It was not identified what the break was for, but presumably it was for a Chargers timeout?

Sox game is in the top of the ninth, two outs, Gagne pitching to Melky Cabrera who flies out to Ellsbury in left. It’s time for Rivera in the bottom of the ninth. Do the Sox have another big Rivera rally in them? It probably doesn’t matter, but it would be fun to see.

LDT has 18 carries for 43 yards at this point. Earlier this week he claimed that if the Chargers played the Pats ten times, they’d win nine. Considering that the Pats are about to win their second straight game against the Chargers that is most definitely not true. On third and three Maroney chugs ahead for what looked to be a first down, but it was spotted just shy. Fourth and one at the goal line, with 3:33 left. Do the Pats elect to kick the field goal? No, why bother! Sammy Morris takes the ball, rushing behind left guard, jumps a fallen lineman and dances into the end zone. The only drama on the play occurred when Morris contemplated whether or not he should try to jump into the crowd, as numerous camera men were in his path. He cut through them as easily he cut through the San Diego defense, and leapt into the waiting fans arms. 38-14 Pats. Hey, wasn’t that the score of last week’s game?

While LDT is babbling about needing great vision in a television commercial, Varitek is leading off the bottom of the ninth against Mariano, working a full count. He’s 0-3 for the game, something that doesn’t surprise Summer in the least. She’s pretty smart. Rivera tries to get Varitek to chase a fastball high and outside, always a good strategy against the Captain. Unfortunately for Rivera, Tek-9 doesn’t bit, and trots down to first with his walk. The Chargers run the kick back and then NBC cuts to another commercial. Hinske is up now, and he hits a slow roller to first. One out, Varitek moves up to second. Hinske is playing tonight because Youkilis was hit on the hand/wrist yesterday, and though X-rays came back negative, I guess the Sox felt he could use the day of rest. Up comes Coco Crisp, who is 2-10 lifetime against Rivera. That doesn’t inspire confidence, and Covelli watches the first pitch go by for strike one.

Back at the Pats game, LDT catches a swing pass and promptly runs out of bounds. It’s a good thing he’s such a warrior that only cares about winning! He catches a similar pass on second down to the other side of the field, but before he could run out of bounds, he gets hit this time. Another couple of hits and his uniform might even get dirty. Rivers proves he isn’t trying anymore either, badly throwing behind an open-enough receiver on third down. Time to punt. Welker momentarily fumbles the punt, but covers it at the Pats 26.

With two outs and Varitek on third, Lugo lines a double into the gap, and it’s 4-3. Rivera’s high fastball doesn’t have the juice it used to. Then he hits Ellsbury on the leg, and there are two on with two out for Pedroia.

After the two-minute warning it’s third and five for the Pats, but a false start pushes it to third and ten, though they call it third and nine. That’s some fuzzy math. Morris makes it irrelevant by picking up the first down on the carry, as the Chargers D proves that they’re not trying anymore either. Good to see they played the whole sixty minutes. Matt Gutierrez is in and it’s kneel down time. Final score 38-14, and the Pats have “circled the wagons”, according to Michaels.

Pedroia has worked a good at-bat, and it’s 2-2. Now 3-2, Rivera almost hit him. Rivera misses again on an inside fastball and it’s bases loaded for Papi! Here we go! High drama at the Fens! Torre does his best to kill the momentum by walking his death march out to the mound. Summer looks at Torre and says, “he looks like he needs to…lie down.” Well, alright.

Papi fouls off the first pitch, 0-1. Back on NBC, they show Belichick waving to a very supportive crowd on his walk off the field. Rivera’s second pitch is low and outside, scooped out of the dirt, and it’s 1-1. Cris Collinsworth is claiming the Chargers simply weren’t mature enough to beat the Bears and then fly across the country and beat the Pats. High fastball by Rivera, 2-1. Everyone in Fenway gasps as Papi grounds one to first, but it drifts foul – 2-2. ESPN shows that this would be the fifth lead the Yanks have blown at Fenway THIS YEAR. Alas, Rivera jams Papi and he pops it into shallow center, where a backpedaling Jeter catches the ball in his left hand and does his traditional fist pump with the right. Oh well, at least we made them earn it.

Back on NBC, Randy Moss is the Horse Trailer Player of the Game with his two TD catches. Kremer interviews Brady and asks him how he and the team overcame such a trying week, and Brady did all he could to not laugh at her as he explained that a long time ago the Pats decided “not to believe anything that anyone else said,” saying that all they had was the guys in the locker room and the fans who support them, and that was that. And then he claimed that the Pats need to get BETTER on offense, citing his fumble and interception first, and saying he hopes they continue to improve.

Excerpt from Belichick’s press conference, run live on Sportscenter, who seem to think Belichick is going to reveal something. They’re not getting any smarter at Sportscenter apparently.

Talking Head: Was this your hardest week as a coach?
Belichick: Well, San Diego is a pretty tough team.

TH: Wasn’t it unusual to wave to the fans after the game? When was the last time you did that?
Belichick: Probably the last time we won at home.

Summer’s take – “so far these questions are pretty f’in stupid.” She’s pretty smart.

Someone asked Belichick about Rosey’s play, and the questioner said “you probably want to look at the tape”, and when he did Belichick actually smiled. That was the big result of the live news conference. Cutting back to Sportscenter, Mark Schlereth calls the Pats the best in football. Talked to Dad, he loved the game, and agreed that the Chargers stopped trying with three minutes left, and after his victory yogurt, he’s off to bed. Sportscenter is still breaking down the game, but the bottom line is this – the Pats whooped up on the Chargers tonight. Some defense the Chargers have, netting only two sacks and allowing 407 total yards. Oh and LDT? After two weeks, he has the worst yard per carry in the NFL for running backs with more than 20 carries. He’s averaging a whopping 1.9 yards per carry. Spygate might not yet be over, but this game certainly is.

NFL 2007: Simpsons Style

Did you know that The Simpsons Movie came out this summer? Sometimes our society astounds me. The phrase "out with the old, in with the new" has been sped up to the point where something is "old" only hours after it's "new." Next week, the NFL season kicks off, and with it the quest for Super Bowl 42 (or XLII, but I think the Roman numerals are a little antiquated at this point). By the time October rolls around, most talking heads will have revised their predictions 47 times, because, well they're talking heads. That's what they do. Myself, I don't have time to revise my predictions, I only want to make them once. Measure twice, cut once as my father would say. And before I slip off my soapbox and break my neck, here they are in reverse order, with each team likened to a character on The Simpsons in honor of that glorious Simpons Movie.

32. Atlanta Falcons (3-13) - Kirk Van Houten

Named for the most disgraced man in the town of Springfield. If you don't get the analogy, well then perhaps you'd like to crawl out of your cave and join the rest of civilization. Maybe someday Michael Vick will earn redemption in the same manner that Kirk did when he eventually got back together with Luann, but like Kirk after he got divorced, fired, had his demo tape laughed at and his car stolen, things don't seem like they could be worse for the Falcons. Already facing the daunting challenge of blending with a rookie coach, now they must do so with Joey Harrington at the helm and Warrick Dunn recovering from back surgery. Count me among those who don't think Harrington is as bad as his reputation, but he sure has some awful, awful luck. When you're pointing to a 35-year old Joe Horn as the bright spot of your offense, and you're counting on the always fragile John Abraham to spark your defense, things aren't looking good.

31. Miami Dolphins (3-13) - Frank Grimes

Ol' Grimey had it pretty bad in life, having to overcome obstacle after obstacle to make his way, and when he finally did, he ended up dead shortly thereafter. The Dolphins have put obstacle after obstacle in front of themselves this season. When Nick Saban quit it meant they had to hire a new coach once again, and one of their up and coming candidates - Jason Garrett - jumped ship to Dallas as quickly as humanly possible. They then drafted Ted Ginn instead of Brady Quinn, and compounded their mistake by trading for an over-the-hill QB in Trent Green. At 37 years old, Green has no chance of being part of the next great Dolphins team, assuring that the Fish would do no better than tread water this season rather than really rebuild. And if that weren't bad enough, the Dolphins will have the second hardest schedule in the NFL this year. Finally, with the Patriots coming to town in Week 7 this year, they won't be primed for a letdown in Miami like they were last year.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (4-12) - Scratchy the Cat

Every afternoon, Itchy kills Scratchy, and yet the next afternoon there's Scratchy, up to his old antics and not realizing that Itchy has it in for him yet again. By not attempting to upgrade his offense to complement Larry Johnson this offseason, Carl Peterson and Herman Edwards effectively sentenced the Chiefs offense to be Scratchy to opposing defenses' Itchy all season. Oh sure, Scratchy has a weapon up his sleeve in Larry Johnson, a nice rusty chainsaw to hack at the defense. But with no aerial attack to speak of, it will seem as though opposing defenses have a cannon, a nuclear bomb, a...you get the idea. The Chiefs will be over matched on offense, and no matter how much their average defense improves, it simply won't be enough to be competitive. Ty Law deserves better.

29. Detroit Lions (4-12) - Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure Stu Simpson

You would think the Herb Powell analogy would fit well here, but don't forget that Powell made himself into a multi-millionaire - twice. That kind of creativity hasn't been seen in Matt Millen's office, well, ever. No, Aunt Selma works best here. Aunt Selma is always falling for a new love, while Matt Millen is always falling for a new wide receiver. Like Selma however, Matt Millen and the Lions are destined to end up right back where they started - in the cellar. The Lions are really in a sorry state - of their four projected wins, I don't have them beating even one winning team. All the receivers in the world won't help this team. If you need to win a shootout in Madden 2007, this might be the team you take. But without a proven running attack or a QB who can consistently hit on the 50 yard pass (only 6% of Kitna's completed passes were deep balls last year), you might not even pick Detroit for that purpose.

28. Houston Texans (4-12) - Gil Gunderson

Old Gil never succeeds at anything he does. From car salesman to lawyer to real estate agent, Gil is repeatedly kicked to the curb. The Texans are building what could be a very good defense in time. But one could have said that two years ago when it looked as though the Texans could form a nucleus around Jason Babin and Travis Johnson (as Football Outsiders ably points out in their Texans preview). Perhaps it will be different for them in the future, or perhaps they'll be like Old Gil - always trying to get one big score so their wives will stop cheating on them (aka rooting for the Cowboys).

27. Cleveland Browns (5-11) - Troy McClure (RIP)

He made us laugh didn't he? Once on top of the world, Troy was booted out of the spotlight due to his paraphilia. The Browns went through a similar downturn in fortunes, though theirs was caused by a greedy owner who moved his team out of town rather than paraphilia. Right now, the Browns are in the stage where they're just starting to date Selma. Pretty soon, MacArthur Parker will be calling the Browns, saying things like "that Brady Quinn has made you sexy again!" and "that Kellen Winslow is just what we need to shake up Hollywood!" Hopefully for Browns fans, the story will end differently than it did for Troy, and frankly, I think it will. Just not this season. In a different division, the Browns would probably be a seven, or even eight win team. In this division, they will be fighting for their lives. But in 2008, the tune will be "get your paws off me you dirty ape!"

26. St. Louis (5-11) - Artie Ziff

All flash, no finish. Artie was the Internet billionaire who lost it all when the bubble burst. From partying with Scottie Pippen and Jeneane Garofalo to watching the walls come down crashing around him, Ziff had too many highs, too many lows and simply not enough of the creamy middles that Homer likes so much. Stephen Jackson might be the best running back in football along with LDT, and Marc Bulger might be an elite quarterback with a number of weapons at his disposal. But when you're going full speed ahead, often you don't remember to watch your back. The Rams have no defense, and haven't since Lovie Smith graduated to Chicago in 2004. When your best player on defense is an alcoholic just one empty liquor bottle away from his next DUI, it becomes increasingly clear that all the flash in the world isn't going to amount to much at the end of the season.

25. New York Giants (5-11) - Chief Clancy Wiggum

Victories are rare in Chief Wiggum's world. Like Flanders once chastised, the last thing Wiggum got to the bottom of was a case of Malamars. Even when he does beat Rex Banner to the punch, he winds up putting the screws to Homer. When he catches Kirk Van Houten for kidnapping, it's only because he hears the crackling sound of Chinsy Pop, the world's cheapest popcorn, which he knows only because he too eats the shameful stuff. When the Giants find competent pieces for their attack, it often comes with a cost. Eli Manning cost them a bounty in draft picks and players. Plaxico Burress can stretch the field, but he doesn't play hard every down. Michael Strahan's career numbers match up with Lawrence Taylor's, but he's such a distraction and caricature that nobody notices. Owners of the third hardest schedule in 2007, saddled with what is almost certainly a lame duck coach and with ex-players like Tiki Barber still haunting the team with his talking-head potshots, it's going to be a long year for the New York football Giants.

24. Arizona Cardinals (6-10) - Edna Krabappel

"Bart, this is your teacher? I have to start going to Parent's Night." Oh, Mrs. Krabappel may be very sexy, but she comes with the baggage that any jilted lover does. Once again, the Cardinals are the toast of the fantasy football universe, with Larry Fitgerald and Anquan Boldin having established themselves among the fantasy elite, with Matt Leinart not far behind and the Edge still a reliable target. But like St. Louis, where' the defense? With yet another new coaching staff in a seemingly endless carousel, the Cards were facing an uphill battle already in 2007. But when they lost their best pass rusher, Chike Okeafor, for the season, the task is now almost insurmountable. However, with Levi Brown at left tackle, and Ken Whisenhunt hopefully doing for Leinart what he did for Ben Roethlisberger, 2008 finally could be the year that Arizona puts everything together.

23. Oakland Raiders (6-10) - Grandpa Simpson

He's annoying, he's a pain in your butt, but every once in awhile he hatches a worthwhile scheme (like the Simpson & Son aphrodisiac). The Raiders have the opposite problem that the Cards and Rams do, they have little offense to go with a killer defense. Generally, you'd rather have the killer defense, so that's good news for residents of the Black Hole. And with a little luck, perhaps Duante Culpepper to Ronald Curry can become a dynamite combo, and either LaMont Jordan, Dominic Rhodes or Michael Bush can be the answer at running back. Until then, the biggest story in Raidersville will likely be whether or not JaMarcus Russell is going to sign with the silver and black. Until then, they'll just be the crazy old man rambling on the sideline, hoisting onions on their belt.

22. Buffalo Bills (6-10) - Hans Moleman

Can't do much right, no one seems to know he's alive. When he gets water splashed on him by others and they laugh, he can't even stomach the backbone to get upset, lamenting simply "I'm glad to have shared in their fun." Indeed the Bills have shared in the fun of others this past decade, watching as everyone (except for the Texans) in the AFC has made the playoffs but them. Generally, when a team loses four of its best players in one offseason - as the Bills did this offseason when they lost Nate Clements, Willis McGahee, London Fletcher-Baker and Takeo Spikes - it would be a major story about which analysts would churn out column inch after column inch. When it happens in Buffalo, everyone shrugs their collective shoulders. Where have you gone, Jim Kelly?

21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-9) - Principal Seymour Skinner

Like the Bucs and Jon Gruden, Principal Skinner always thinks that salvation is just a quick fix away. Whether it's striking oil under the school, reaping the proceeds from the lottery or tricking Lisa Simpson into spilling the beans about her cheating to the "fake" comptroller, Seymour is always up to something. The same goes for the Bucs. Rather than admitting that they are in a downturn, and that they should give Chris Simms a year to get things sorted out and then really build around him in 2008, Gruden instead imported free agent graybeards like Jeff Garcia and Joey Galloway. They will bring the Bucs back to respectability, but they will be hard pressed to help the Bucs regain their now forgotten championship swagger.

20. Dallas Cowboys (7-9) - "Diamond" Joe Quimby

I suppose Rich Texan would work too, but that just seems way too easy. Always in the news, always full of themselves and never aware that they're headed for a fall, Quimby and the Cowboys have much in common. They don't realize that there's ANOTHER election this November or that their schedule is the fifth hardest in the league. All they see when they look in the mirror are those pearly whites, bulging muscles and the arrogance that comes with being on top of the world for so long. "Diamond" Joe hasn't received his comeuppance yet, but the Cowboys certainly will this year. Get ready for tons of "what if the Cowboys had drafted Brady Quinn?" stories come January.

19. Minnesota Vikings (7-9) - Maggie Simpson

Minnesota is the team you never hear about, but you know that they're there. Who's playing quarterback? Is it still Randall Cunningham? Or Brad Johnson? Or Randall Johnson? No, this year it's Tavaris Jackson, although at 44, Cunningham might do just as well as Jackson will this season. Though they are backed by a very strong run defense and a burgeoning rushing attack, the Purple People Eaters will nevertheless miss Mike Tomlin, who has moved on to coach the Pittsburgh Steelers, and an incredibly unreliable receiving corps will make Jackson look worse than he is. And he won't be very good at all. All told, it will likely be another faceless season that fades into the background. Kind of like Maggie.

18. Washington Redskins (8-8) - Marge Simpson

Marge is loyal, and above moral reproach. When she was wrongfully locked away in prison for one month, the town realized how much they missed her and altered a statue of Jimmy Carter into her likeness. No one erected a statue (that I know of) to commemorate Joe Gibbs when he retired to focus full-time on NASCAR, but he was certainly missed in a Redskins front office run amok. Since returning, he has moved with the same pace as Marge - slow and steady. Jason Campbell was probably ready to start full-time last year at QB, but Gibbs waited the majority of the season before plugging him in. And while the Skins made the playoffs in '05, changes were needed, but came slowly. They still aren't coming fast - the Skins have plenty of star power but little depth. After a solid '07 campaign with Campbell at the helm, they will hopefully find that depth, and build towards even better things in 2008.

17. New York Jets (8-8) - Martin Prince, Jr.

A fat, sniveling know-it-all who has the brains to rule the world, but certainly not the charisma. Wait, am I talking about Eric Mangini or Martin Prince, Jr.? Well, both really. The New York media machine had dubbed him the "Mangenius", and hoisted celebrity status on the former Pats assistant, but the media is still in its honeymoon period. Like all honeymoons in New York, it will be short lived. The Jets made improvements heading into 2007, but they also played worse than their record indicated in 2006. Football Outsiders' DVOA statistic is the most innovative stat that translates what we see on the field into meaningful numbers. Overall, a team wants a positive DVOA for a season or a game, expressed in a percentage. Last season, the Jets won two games when they had a negative DVOA, and won two others with a DVOA of less than 7%. Conversely though, they deserved to lose the games that they lost - there were no positive DVOA losses for the Jets in 2006. Knock 2-3 wins off their 2006 total and they end up with 7 or 8 wins, rather than 10. This season, the Jets will improve, but because they got some lucky bounces last year, it will APPEAR that they are doing worse. 2008 is the year they will put it all together. Or like Martin's soap box racer, it could just be the year when their world goes careening out of control, because their know-it-all coach can't turn his book smarts into production on the field.

16. Tennessee Titans (8-8) - Krusty the Clown

Sometimes he has his act together, sometimes he doesn't. But he's always there. Krusty the Clown has been smart enough to license his name and make a large fortune and later to fake his own death, but in between he was dumb enough to bet on the Washington Generals and squander everything. Jeff Fisher has been smart enough to hitch his wagon to Steve McNair and Eddie George, but dumb enough to hitch it to Pacman Jones and Joe Nedney. Sometimes, like with the "Music City Miracle", he's been very fortunate, but other times, like with "The Tackle", he's been very unfortuntate. So which category will the Vince Young era fit in? That remains to be seen, but my bet would be in the "fortunate" category. Though Pacman's suspension and a host of unproven players surrounding Young on offense will prevent the Titans from fully making the leap into contention this year, the future is still bright in the Music City. Like it reads on the state's welcome sign, Tennessee'n is Tennebelievin'.

15. Seattle Seahawks (9-7) - Cookie Kwan

Cookie Kwan, like the Seahawks, is number one on the west side. But Cookie never ventured out of her neighborhood, and the Seahawks rarely do either. The Seahawks have made the playoffs four straight years, and won the NFC West three straight years, but the 'Hawks are just 3-5 in the playoffs, and in only one season did they advance to the conference championship. This is the year when the 'Hawks will not be number one on the west side. Shaun Alexander is aging rapidly, as is the club's offensive line. Conventional wisdom holds that if Seattle can stay healthy this season, they have the talent to walk away with the division. But real wisdom holds that a successful NFL team is not one that is loaded from players 1-15, but rather one that is balanced from 1-53. The Seahawks team composition leans more towards the former, and this is the year that that takes a bite out of their playoff chances.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars (9-7) - Moe Szyslak

Every year there is a team that is bound for glory, if they can just stay out of their own way. Football Outsiders projections tabbed the Jags as having the second best projection in football this season behind only the Patriots. In addition to a rock-solid defense and evolving running attack, one of the strong points for the Jags was their quarterback Byron Leftwich. At the peak age of 27 when quarterbacks historically have their best season and usually earn a trip to Hawaii, Leftwich is primed for a breakout year. Unfortunately for Jacksonville fans, he will do it with another team. Earlier this week, Jags coach Jack Del Rio named backup and lesser quarterback David Garrard as his starter. Such a poor decision is akin to the type of chicanery Moe is known for. Whether it's opening Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag, killing Alfalfa, not selling the Flaming Moe's recipe, stealing Shamu, buying only one inch of bulletproof glass, or giving away soap opera plot lines, you can always count on Moe to make the wrong decision. Same as Jack "Chopping Wood" Del Rio.

13. Denver Broncos (9-7) - Comic Book Guy, aka Jeff Albertson

The Comic Book Guy thinks he knows everything. He is all alone in the world in the power of his knowledge, but he also runs a very successful business. Mike Shanahan thinks he knows everything, even calling himself "The Ultimate Leader" in his own biography. Like the Comic Book Guy, he also runs a very successful business, as the Broncos will likely sell out their games as long as Shanahan is at the helm. But the Comic Book Guy eventually has a heart attack. It doesn't kill him, but it certainly forces him to re-evaluate things. The Broncos were forced to reevaluate things after they missed the playoffs last year, something that gave their fans a collective heart attack. Gone is much of the old guard who led the Broncos to the AFC Championship just two years ago - Al Wilson, Jake Plummer, Tatum Bell, etc. Newcomers like Travis "the babymaker" Henry, Jay Cutler and a slew of new defensive lineman are supposed to lead the Broncos back to the promised land. But Cutler faces an uphill battle. Quick - name a successful Vanderbilt University alumni in the NFL. On offense, the list is nonexistent. Shanahan is hoping that Cutler is the best. quarterback. ever, but history dictates that he will fall short of that mark, and he will take the Broncos playoff hopes with him.

12. Carolina Panthers (9-7, NFC Wild Card) - Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Apu is an ingrained American immigrant - the Panthers are an ingrained NFL immigrant. Apu has a very strong work ethic, as do the Panthers, an ethic instilled in them by their head coach John Fox. Apu doesn't have all the angles figured out in trying to take care of his eight children, and Panthers QB Jake Delhomme doesn't have all the angles figured out in trying to take care of his ten teammates on offense. With too little impact from the running game, the Panthers were too often forced into third and long last season. Eventually, this ruined their season; their hopes crumbled when a four game losing second half losing streak allowed New Orleans to leapfrog over them and land the Panthers on the outside looking in. This year, the Panthers will improve ever so slightly, squeaking back into the playoffs as a Wild Card team. Unfortunately, they won't get past that, and decisions will need to be made in the offseason as to what direction the Panthers will take in 2008 and beyond.

11. San Francisco 49ers (10-6, NFC West Champs) - Squeaky Voiced Teen

The 49ers are still the young punks at the dance, good enough to know they belong, but not good enough to know what to do once they get inside. We learned at the end of the Simpsons Movie that the Squeaky Voiced Teen actually has a film school degree. He is going places - eventually. But right now, he's only managed to get his start in the industry. The Niners are the same. The rapidly improving nucleus of Frank Gore, Alex Smith and Vernon Davis, combined with savvy veteran additions like Nate Clements and Darrell Jackson have San Fran's star on the rise once again. In 2008, they will add even more talent to the mix, and with Patrick Willis and Jason Hill rounding into shape alongside the three offensive linchpins, the Niners will be a Super Bowl contender once again.

10. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6, AFC Wild Card) - Dr. Julius Hibbert

His diagnoses are always a buzzkill, but he laughs at them anyways. It's the kind of sense of humor that only a Steelers fan can appreciate, delighting in the misery of others. The Steelers under Bill Cowher certainly heaped a lot of misery and misfortune on their opponents, and with bright young defensive mind Mike Tomlin taking the reins, that trend is sure to continue. In a loaded AFC North they won't get all the way to the cream of the crop in 2007, and jettisoning veterans like Joey Porter will let the team find a new identity under Tomlin and Roethlisberger. Come 2008, the Steel City will be waiving their terrible towels for a Super Bowl contender once again. This year, they will have to be content to stay on the fringes of playoff competition.

9. New Orleans Saints (10-6, NFC South Champs) - Bart Simpson

The fun-loving scamp that is always going a mile a minute most closely fits to the Saints personality. Behind a high powered offense, the Saints are fun to watch, and they have inspired a city, much like Bart inspired Springfield with "the power." And though the Saints defense betrayed them in the playoffs last season, it was much better during the second half than it was during the first half. With the team's biggest defensive weakness - cornerback - receiving a big boost in the free agent signing of Jason David, the only question for the Saints D is can it stay healthy throughout 2007. If it can, the Saints could bombard the competition like Bart did with so many water balloons. If not, the Saints will end up battered and bruised, like when Bart dislocated his elbow and knocked himself unconscious. Either way, it promises to be an another exciting season down in the Crescent City.

8. Cincinnati Bengals (10-6, AFC Wild Card) - C. Montgomery Burns

Like Mr. Burns, the Bengals seem to have no moral compass whatsoever, doing whatever necessary, but more importantly hiring whomever necessary to get the job done. Of course, that kind of thinking doesn't always pay off, as the Bengals and their record number of entries in the police blotter demonstrated last year. Also like Mr. Burns, the Bengals have been incredibly stubborn. Though their defense had more holes than a chain link fence last year, Cincinnati did little other than draft cornerback Leon Hall. Until they see the error of their ways, they will remain a domineering team that can't put the final pieces of world domination together.

7. Green Bay Packers (11-5, NFC Wild Card, NFC CHAMPIONS) - Homer Simpson

Homer Simpson might be the very definition of the phrase "Wild Card." No city better fits Homer than Green Bay, a city where a man can eat all the bratwurst and drink all the beer he possibly can. Bret Favre has a lot of Homer in him as well, the old-fashioned gunslinger who isn't concerned with small things like stats. Bret just wants to do the Lambeau Leap, something you know Homer would enjoy, as long as he had Principal Skinner's back to launch himself from (like when he dunked during a pickup basketball game). Like Homer, the Packers are about to go on a wild ride through the NFC, falling just short of Chicago for the NFC North crown, but getting their revenge in the NFC Championship game. And when the Packers ultimately fall short in the Super Bowl like Homer did in his title bout with Drederick Tatum, they won't be devastated or upset. They'll simply be happy that their gunslinger got one final ride into the sunset, and that he made it out alive to tell the story. And then they'll get loaded!

6. Chicago Bears (11-5, NFC North Champs) - Lou

Lovie Smith is a very intelligent man, a great leader who has transformed the Bears into a championship club seemingly overnight. But like police sergeant Lou, his fortunes are ever-tied to his less competent partner. A head coach can guide his team, but the most important player on the field is the quarterback. In Rex Grossman, as in Chief Wiggum, Lovie and Lou have hitched their wagons to someone who is probably going to come up short in the end. The Bears will still have a dominant defense this year, and if Cedric Benson can stay upright for a whole season, he and the "other" Adrian Peterson will combine to give Chicago an excellent running game. However, the season still rests on the impulsive right arm of "Sexy Rexy". While he will likely be better in 2007, simply because he couldn't be any worse than he was down the stretch in 2006, when it comes down to it, who do you trust - Grossman or Favre? For that simple reason, the Packers will end up besting the Bears and advancing to represent the NFC in Super Bowl XLII. With Lance Briggs seemingly out the door at the end of the season, it could be the last chance that Brian Urlacher and the Bears D has to fulfill their dreams.

5. San Diego Chargers (11-5, AFC West Champs) - Hank Scorpio

Blazing a trail of glory, and having enough money to own the Denver Broncos, Hank Scorpio was a once-in-a-series character, though he was sort of reincarnated for The Movie. His schemes are brilliant on paper, but lacking in execution. The Chargers, behind the incredible wattage of stars like LDT, Philip Rivers, Antonio Gates, Marcus McNeill, Jamal Williams and steroid users Shawne Merriman and Luis Castillo, are formidable paper tigers. With Norv Turner now at the helm however, the Bolts will continue to look much better on paper than they do on the field. Turner is infamous for his lack of motivational skills as a coach, as evidenced by listless squads with Washington and Oakland. Rivers will make strides, and Vincent Jackson and Eric Parker should emerge as a very good WR combo to team with Gates and LDT, but in the end the Chargers will not be able to harness the little things that champions do.

4. Baltimore Ravens (11-5, AFC North Champs) - Nelson Muntz

The big bully. Nelson, along with Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney, are the bad boys of Springfield Elementary. Either "Fat Tony" or "Snake" would fit for the Ravens as well, but Nelson's taunting "Ha Ha's" and "stop hitting yourself" cut to the core of what the Baltimore Ravens truly are - bullies that like doling out the punishment. They make sure you know you are being punished, and revel in it almost to the point where they take their eyes off the prize. This season, the Ravens have not taken their eyes off the prize. They traded for Willis McGahee and believe they have replacements for linebacker Adalius Thomas and tackle Tony Pashos. With Mark Clayton emerging alongside Derrick Mason and Todd Heap, the Ravens actually have formidable aerial weapons now as well. Combined with McGahee, McNair and a dominant line, the Ravens are primed for another run to glory. It will be a run that will take them to the AFC Championship, but their blue collar style will ultimately fall short in the end.

3. Indianapolis Colts (12-4, AFC South Champs) - Ned Flanders

He's so good that you hate him. Stupid Flanders. Stupid Peyton. Oh sure, you laugh at each one on Sundays, Flanders in primetime, and Manning seemingly every commercial break, but they are both formidable foes that kill you with kindness and kill you with efficiency. Just like Flanders is always flanked by his robotic like sons Rodd & Todd, so too is Manning flanked by his robotic receivers Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne. Unfortunately the Colts of last year are the Colts of this year. Last year, they beat the Ravens in the divisional round of the playoffs by a mere nine points. Their powerhouse offense only outgained Baltimore's by 17 yards. This season, with Baltimore closing the gap offensively and Indy not closing the gap defensively, Indy's time is up. Fortunately for them, they won the Super Bowl last year and are in the Bill Simmons' patented five year grace period.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (12-4, NFC East Champs) - Rev. Timothy Lovejoy

Rev. Lovejoy is a pillar of the community, or so it would seem. Beneath his seemingly sincere love and care for the citizens of Springfield's as its spiritual purveyor, Lovejoy is actually a bad apple. He instructs his dog to poop on Flanders' lawn, gives apathetic advice to callers and indulges his wife Helen, who is the town gossiphound. The Eagles carry a similar, empty veneer. They have been perennial contenders in the '00's, but behind each success story there is drama boiling underneath the surface. Whether it's T.O., the drafting of Kevin Kolb, Andy Reid's delinquent sons, there's always drama in Philly. Fortunately, like the show, the forecast is always sunny in Philadelphia as well. The Eagles still have the league's most talented squad, and assuming QB Donovan McNabb can keep on his feet for 17 weeks, Philly will be the Super Bowl favorite come January. Running up against the buzzsaw that will be the Green Bay Packers will certainly be no cause for alarm, but that doesn't mean the alarm won't be sounded anyways. After all, it's Philly. Somewhere, Rev. Lovejoy is nodding his head knowingly.

1. New England Patriots (15-1, AFC East Champs, AFC CHAMPIONS, SUPER BOWL XLII CHAMPIONS) - Lisa Simpson

You really want to hate her. You do. You know you do. Sure, she's eight years old, but she just knows everything! How is that possible? But she always has an answer, and it's always the right answer. Not only that, but she makes it count when the chips are down. Win a spelling bee? Check. Climb the "Eliminator"? Check. Become a ruthless hockey goalie? Check. Lisa's conquests are too long to name here, as are those of Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the Patriots. Loaded up for another title run in 2007, the Patriots won't even feel the brunt of losing Rodney Harrison and Richard Seymour for the first four and six weeks of the season, respectively. The Pats drafted Brandon Meriweather as Harrison insurance, and Jarvis Green and Mike Wright are more than capable of filling in for Seymour. When Seymour in particular comes off the PUP list in Week 7, he will be fresh and ready for a rampage. Though the Pats schedule isn't a cakewalk, the team simply has no weakness this season. They are deep enough that future Hall of Famer Junior Seau doesn't even have to start at linebacker, and the Pats average age at every position is 30 or younger. Like Lisa Simpson, Belichick and his team have all the angles figured out, and are smart enough to know how to execute those angles properly when they must. They won't win every game, losing in Week 6 at Dallas, but they will be as close to perfection as one can get in this modern NFL world.

APPENDIX:

PLAYOFFS
AFC:
#3 Baltimore beats #6 Pittsburgh
#4 Cincinnati beats #3 San Diego

#1 New England beats #4 Cincinnati
#3 Baltimore beats #2 Indianapolis

#1 New England beats #3 Baltimore

NFC:
#3 New Orleans beats #6 Carolina
#5 Green Bay beats #4 San Francisco

#5 Green Bay beats #1 Philadelphia
#2 Chicago beats #3 New Orleans

#5 Green Bay beats #2 Chicago

SUPER BOWL XLII:

New England 27 - Green Bay 15
MVP: Tedy Bruschi (in his final game)